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• 6/16/2009 9:53 PM Kristy @ Master Your Card wrote:
  Hmmm...these are very interesting questions. I don't think they're too personal, but I think there is a right time in the relationship to ask them. We're not talking first date material to be sure, but when it comes time to consider marriage, these issues are some of the core things a couple will be concerned with as they build a life together.
  
  I like the question on managing money because it's broad enough to invoke an in-depth conversation. Knowing whether or not you and a potential partner are financially compatible is important, so I'd say this question could come up even before the mention of marriage. In fact, I'd say it's good to discuss when the relationship gets serious and you talk moving in together.
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  1. 6/16/2009 10:06 PM DDFD wrote:
     No, not first date questions per se, but better to start sooner than later . . .
     
     Asking broad, open-ended questions is the key to getting the other person talking-- simple yes/no answers won't suffice.
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• 6/17/2009 8:16 AM Clair Schwan of Frugal Living Freedom wrote:
  If your prospective spouse has been married, then a discussion of the "whys" for getting married and getting divorced will also be quite revealing. Also, key to all of this is "the family" and "the ex." You don't just marry the individual!
  
  All the questions/topics are good ones. For me it all boils down to a focus on four topics: responsibility, scope, needs and intellect. Whether it's money, employment, children, housing or whatever, has the person demonstrated a sense of responsibility and acted in a responsible manner? Is their scope of interests, activities, capabilities and relationships sufficiently broad to demonstrate potential for variety and comfort in a range of activities, locations and endeavors? What are the true "needs" of the individual, and what do they say about the nature of a relationship to come? Is there sufficient intellect, intellectual curiosity and problem solving ability for success in daily life and coping with challenges that are inevitable?
  
  I know this sounds like a demanding checklist, but don't we all deserve someone that "fits" well with us? And, haven't we all learned from our previous relationships about what will work over the long haul? After all, marriage isn't just a real long date, it's a legal estate that needs to be taken seriously. You're investing your time, wealth, emotions and future when you get married. It's really an "all in" type of arrangement. If not, then you shouldn't even be considering it.
  
  Clair
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• 6/17/2009 4:09 PM J N Urbanski wrote:
  These are all very important questions to ask, but really and truly, each marriage embarked upon is an evolving entity. People change. You can marry a pot smoking hippy democrat at 30, and by the time he's 40 he's a pristine corporate CEO who's crunching numbers night after night while you wonder what happened to your ten year plan. I know someone who married a person whose religion was not important and ten years later she's Opus Dei and they have nine children.
  I'm not mocking; it's important to try but if you get married the most important thing to be prepared for is for your partner to change and to try to grow with them and the marriage. Ask your questions and try to image what they will be like in certain situations. Ask yourself this: could you be destitute with this person? If you were suddenly broke and homeless would it be bearable because you had him?
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  1. 6/17/2009 7:53 PM DDFD wrote:
     True people can and do change, but you need to have some idea of what you are getting into . . . many people don't bother and they pay the price. 
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• 6/22/2009 2:51 PM KayD wrote:
  (fyi - the website isn't live yet, I'm just getting started)
  The questions you pose are thought provoking to say the least. I have to wonder how many of us could really answer them about ourselves if pressed. Often how a person "is" varies a great deal from how they see themselves. Becoming genuine and authentic is a journey and a lot of people are happy to stay on the surface.
  I'm not one of those people. In fact, I've been asking myself these questions and more and I try to rebuild after walking away from an 18 year relationship (15 of it married). As Wake up to Frugality mentioned, people do change and this creates a dynamic in which the relationship has to bend or break. Relationships are living things and have to be nurtured, they have to be allowed to grow, but they don't have to grow willy-nilly. Part of the nurturing is defining the destination and then working to arrive there as a team.
  Kristy mentioned that these aren't first date questions and this is probably true. But I do think they are early on questions. Speaking only for myself, I have no desire to invest a lot of time and energy in someone who isn't headed in the same basic direction as I am. Build a friendship - sure. Aim at a relationship - not unless we are compatible enough on the big issues like money, sex, children, and levity.
  I think there's a lot that can be found out about a person using the situational imagery J.N. mentioned too.
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