Why Don't I Discuss Divorce Topics More?
My wife recently asked me why I don't discuss "divorce" topics more on this blog. The thing is every post is written from the perspective of a divorced father. Most of how I see the world and react to it is based upon the fact that I am divorced. I have two kids, two step kids, a new spouse, and an ex-wife to contend with.
I didn't choose to get divorced, my ex-wife did that. My ex-wife was far from frugal (a true shopaholic and restaurant rat) and became very "unhappy" when I informed her we couldn't continue living the high life. She filed for divorce and I have had to learn to live with the repercussions every since (She makes my life as difficult as she can-- believe me). I love my kids and refuse to let bad things about being divorced ruin my relationship them. I have had many positives result from starting over-- I have a spouse who is on the exact same page as me and we work together to make our blended family a good one (in a future post I will discuss my thoughts on finding the right person as a partner-- I got it right the second time).
Finally, I don't want this blog to be a cry and moan fest, but rather a positive outlet about making the most of a bad situation. There are many positives and approaches that I always possessed that I can share that will be of benefit to anyone divorced or not. You don't have to be a father to benefit from the info on this site either-- I maybe divorced, I may be a father, but I am also a frugal person who likes the finer things in life especially the free ones.
Categories: Divorce, Personal Philosophy
Tags: Divorce Personal Philosophy
The best thing about splitting up that I've found is that when I'm broke, it's my fault and no one elses.
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You also find that you're not such a bad person after all . . . many of your bad habits disappear.
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The first time I was getting divorced I felt guilty that I was somehow committing a great sin – since we had vowed “till death do us part” and so on. Took some time to articulate that and then to get over it. My current wife (who has never been divorced) and I have helped out several people who are in the throes of divorce. We’re not counseling, but just being friendly with people whose other friends are turning their backs, becoming distant, or running away. They have many practical issues, which are sometimes very simple to answer if you have the perspective of not being emotionally involved; or if you’ve been through it.
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It is so true that nobody really knows what it is really like unless they have been through it or been close to one who has been through it.
I understand your point on the following of breaking a vow . . . but I came to realize, I didn't break the vow-- my ex wife did. This didn't change the fact that I felt like a failure somehow. That I couldn't make it work, that I if I had said or done something different, it might have been different . . . I also realized "we" didn't make it work because only one of us tried.
The good news is I applied the lessons I learned to finding my wife. We both did. We asked many questions of each other and we got to know each other inside and out. We are two of a kind. It unfortunately took some very painful and expensive lessons to get it right this time.
I actually plan a future post on this topic of getting it right the second time . . .
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"I actually plan a future post on this topic of getting it right the second time . . ."
PLEASE DO!!
I don't want to repeat the mistake of my 'stupid 20s.' I stuck with it too long before getting out and don't care to repeat any of it. I don't want to do the same or worse next time. I'm too old to deal with another mistake - it's gotta be right or I'll do without! (kinda learning the same thing about handling money too.....hmm)
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I will put that post together soon, but the main bit of advice is ask lots of questions, listen to the answers, and then watch the behavior . . . if you don't like what you are seeing and hearing or if they don't match up-- watch out. What if (fill in the blank) questions are the best!
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I agree with Margaret... I'd love to hear more about how to get things right. I think I've got a good relationship going with my wife, but part of seeking wisdom is admitting what I don't know.
I think you could definitely have more "divorce topics" that are really spun in a posetive manner (i.e., instead of saying what went wrong, give advice on what to do right). I don't think these would be seen as crying or moaning.
Considering how big of an impact money has on marriages, I'd love to hear any insights that you - or anyone else has to offer.
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There are more of those types of posts (divorce and relationship) planned . . . I just want people to understand this is a frugal living website from the perspective of a divorced father. I was always frugal, but divorce forced me into a stricter form of budgeting and frugality.
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I can respect that, thanks for sharing. I suppose this shows you that there are a lot of people out there looking for help on the topic, sometimes with marital problems you can feel very isolated.
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